Happy Mother’s Day, Grandma’s Day, Auntie Day, Special Person Day!
This is a hard post to write, not because it’s Mother’s Day (that is hard) but because I’m really letting stuff out. Letting things go. When I started my blogging journey, I wanted it to be authentic, not realizing how open I was really going to be.
I haven’t really processed my momma’s death. It actually started to sink in a couple of months ago that she is actually gone. I have barely cried since she passed and have put on this face, this mask, that everything is okay. Last year, it was so fresh, so new. My family took my grandmother out to lunch and celebrated her. We acknowledged that my mom wasn’t there but kind of swept it under the rug.
I have really started realizing that my mom is gone. It hurts so much. Sometimes the pain is unbearable. I wrote this note exactly one month ago from today…
There are times you miss your mom so much. The pain is unbearable. You have a choice… what do you do? Let it take over or hide it. Hide it in a deep, dark place thinking that it is helping you. To hide it. To suppress it. But it’s not. My therapist told me that covering it up with alcohol and drugs, makes you not actually feel it. To go through the grieving process. To fully accept what has happened. To feel for real. It’s been over a year and it’s the first time I have really cried since my mom has passed. Like the ugly cry where your face gets all scrunched up and you cry so hard you can’t breathe. The one where you can’t stop and snot is running down your face. The kind where you can’t catch your breath. Wishing that it wasn’t real but knowing that this it is. She isn’t coming back. Ever. Maybe in dreams or sunsets or feathers. But not physically here. Gone. Never coming back. Having to accept and understand that. Being the strong one in my family, I had to be the one. The one who took over and made sure everything was okay. Ran smoothly. Hide my Feelings. Be okay when I wasn’t. To put a half hazard smile on and greet people. To accept their words. To know your mom is dead. To accept that. It took a while, for me over a year. My mom, who was my best friend… my sister, my mother, my father, my friend …. my best friend. The beautiful soul she was. The bright light in many people’s day. My mom.
I wrote that while I was ugly crying, not knowing what to do. My emotions were everywhere and I didn’t know how to make it stop. At that point, I didn’t even know if I was going to stop crying.
All these beautiful memories… the pictures, her words. The love that comes through them. That is where I find happiness and sadness all at the same time. It is hard to lose someone. It is hard to lose a family member. It is hard to lose someone you are so close to. It is even harder to lose your person.